Not a Hypocrite but a Struggling Believer

Once again

I am pondering a rebuttal

for the label of “hypocrite.”

 

Will you call me a hypocrite

• if I tell you I know that I am a sinner and I am trying to change?
• If I tell you that in my mind I know the right thing to do, but in my weakness, I am struggling with the power of my addiction?
• If I read my Bible and go to church because I am looking for mercy and help to change, not because I think I am perfect?
• If I say things in my guilt that I don’t’ really mean because the pain of my failures is overwhelming?
• If I tell you how much I hate myself for my mistakes so much so it sends me into hopeless despair?
• If I tell you that I am pretending only to save face from judgments?
• If I confess I am struggling to change from believing lies about myself and about God but it takes time, willpower and painstaking examination?

The dictionary defines a hypocrite as a person who says something and does another.  They pretend to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs and principles that they don’t actually possess.  They fake it to keep up a pretense while the intentions of their heart are really pointed in another direction.

Something to consider – only 20% of your thoughts are processed in your conscious mind.  The rest of your thoughts are processed in the unconscious mind. I wonder if although our conscious mind knows the right thing to do, to say, to believe – our subconscious has been so programmed by past experiences, personality quirks, generational bents that it rises up causing us to react in ways that consciously we don’t’ want to.

Psychologists say that we live our life from what we really believe deep down inside.  If what we believe deep down are lies, does that mean that we are living according to a lie?  What is “truth”?  Where can I find truth?

I am telling you, please understand that I am not a hypocrite, but I am a struggling believer trying to find my way back to the heart of my Heavenly Father.  He told me He loves me.  I am having problems receiving that love because I don’t feel worthy.  In my struggle to receive, I say things and do things that I hate.  But one of the truths that I do believe is that God is faithful to forgive when I repent.  Another truth that I believe, is although I can’t be worthy on my own, Jesus’s blood and love say that ‘he thinks I am worth it.’  He doesn’t say my sin is okay.  He is holy.  But he is helping me, lay aside the weights that are holding me down.  It is my goal.  It is what I am reaching for.  So, my friend, I am not a hypocrite, but a struggling believer.